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Rock Stars/Transcript
Karen Pelly: What are you doing? Hank Yarbo: Checking out my new guns. Karen: Guns? Hank: Yeah, guns, pipes, pythons. Brent Leroy: He found a brochure for a workout regime that the Armed Forces used in the 60's. Hank: Yeah, come on, feel that gun, fell it. Brent: I'm gonna not do that. Hank: I don't blame you, intimidating. Karen? Ow, ow, oh easy. I told you they were new. Emma Leroy: You're supposed to come over today and help your father with the fence. Brent: Is that today? I can't, I signed up for guitar lessons over in Bartlett. Emma: Bartlett? Why are you taking them there? Brent: Because nobody in this town can match my level of smoking rock-acidity so I had to go to the next town over. Emma: Bartlett's not the next town over, it's Tutley. Brent: Tutley's two towns over. Oscar Leroy: No, that's Whiggam. Brent: Wherever, over there a ways. Oscar: Why do you suddenly want to learn guitar? Brent: You are aware that I was the lead guitarist in a band all through high school? Oscar: And now you want to learn how to play the thing? You should've thought about that back then when it could have done some good. Ha, ha, ha. Brent: Thanks. Oh by the way, the Father of the Year committee called, it's between you and Fred McMurray. Oscar: When was this? Brent: Good luck with your fence. Davis Quinton: Hey Wanda, I'm going to the City, do you want anything? Wanda Dollard: Oh, well sure, if it's no problem. Could you swing by Salon de Bon Sante and pick me up some organic, hypoallergenic tea tree emulsifying conditioner? Davis: I have no idea was you just asked me to do but sure. Wanda: I'll write it down. Lacey Burrows: That's nice of you, Davis. Davis: Well, it not really me, it's my horoscope. It said I'd be lucky today if I went into the City and did a favour for a short person. Wanda: Short, cute person I think it said, but you know, whatever. Davis: OK, gotta book. Lacey: Well, it looks like the stars just lined up in your favour. Wanda: If you believe in that horoscope hooey, which I don't. Lacey: Uh-huh. Wanda: Gotta book. Karen: You trying to push the pumps over? Hank: Isotonic exercise. As I push out it's kind of like a push-up. Karen: Without the "up" part. Hank: Yep. Karen: You know, there's probably a reason you found that brochure in the garbage. Like the fact that it doesn't work. Or the fact that it looks kind of dorky. Hank: I don't care what it looks like as long as it works. Karen: I just said it doesn't work. Hank: Oh. Karen: Look, if you're really interested, like seriously interested in working out, you can work out with me at the gym. Hank: Really? Awesome. Karen: But you have to be serious about it. Hank: Understood. Karen: And you have to wear longer shorts. Hank: Understood. Brent: Hi, I'm here for my guitar lesson. Not that I really need it but it could be fun. I already know how to play, pretty well if I do say so...but I just thought it might be a laugh, good practice. Probably end up showing you as much as you show me. I'm pretty good. Mr. Dillems: I'm not the guitar teacher. My kid is. Brent: You're gonna teach me guitar? Toby Dillems: Well, I'll do my best Mister but it can be pretty hard to learn new stuff later in life. Davis: Here you go Wanda, got you that stuff that you wanted from the City. Wanda: Ah, thanks Davis. I really appreciate it. Davis: And here's a cupcake. Wanda: Well, what's this for? Davis: Horoscope said to get something sweet for people whose name starts with "W." Wanda: Really? Wow, aw, are you sure it's your lucky day Davis? Because it sure feels like mine. Aw, good egg that Davis, thoughtful. Lacey: I know what you're doing. Wanda: What doing, when? Lacey: Do you really think I don't know what's going on? Wanda: Going on, what? Nothing. Lacey: OK, you know what, that didn't even make sense. You can drop the charade, I know you're writing the horoscopes. Wanda: Fine. How'd you figure it out? Lacey: Well, you're not exactly subtle. Plus, your pen name is Madam Wanza. Is that the best you could come up with? Wanda: Look, it's just a bit of fun. It makes Davis happy. Lacey: And you and your perfectly conditioned hair don't benefit from this at all? Wanda: Are you gonna bust me or not? Lacey: I haven't decided yet. Oscar: Emma? Emma: What? Oscar: When's Brent gonna be done his stupid banjo lesson? Emma: Probably right after his guitar lesson. Oscar: I'll be dead by the time I finish this fence. Emma: So, I have two things to look forward to. Brent: Um, just out of curiosity, how old are you? Toby: I turned 16 last week. Brent: Sixteen? Wow, almost as old as my glasses. Look Timmy... Toby: Toby. Brent: Tommy. I think this might be a waste of our time. Toby: Well, let's see what level you're at. Show me what you can do. Brent: All right. Here's something I wrote called "Purple Lava." Toby: OK so, beginner. Hank: Brings back memories. Emma: What are you talking about? Hank: I used to struggle like that too before I started working out. Emma: You work out? Hank: Yeah, check out these six packs. Yeah, I've been going to the gym lately. Emma: Well, that's a waste of time. Gyms are for suckers. Hank: Oh, is that right? Well uh, why don't I help you out here and we'll see who's the sucker. Emma: How far apart are the contractions? Hank: I got it. Davis: Hey, Wanda. Lacey: Davis, there is something that you need to know. Davis: OK, but first, these are for you. Lacey: Oh. Davis: Getting you flowers was in my horoscope. Lacey: Ah, OK. Davis: Now, what do I need to know? Lacey: I should put these in some water. Davis: I already knew that, but thanks. Wanda: Oh, those are some nice flowers. Lacey: Very clever. Wanda: There's no reason why we both can't benefit from this. Lacey: Oh, I hope you don't think you can just buy my character with a bouquet of...oh my, look at those daisies. Hank: OK, OK, you got this, this is all you. Nice Emma, nice. Ah, it's more motivating with a partner, don't you think? Emma: My motivation's definitely affected. Hank: That's the spirit. Maybe I should lift some more grass seed, work on my delts. Emma: Are they connected to your mouth? Because that's getting a good workout. Hank: You got a lot to learn about anatomy. Davis: Hey Karen, want me to read your horoscope? Karen: Nah, I don't believe in that crap. Davis: Makes sense, says "Capricorns will be very skeptical today." Karen: I'm a Virgo. Davis: I thought you said you didn't believe in this crap. Hank: Hey Karen, just wanted you to know that I won't be working out with you at the gym anymore. Karen: So, no change. Hank: Emma was right, gyms are for suckers. Suckers who think they're funny. Davis: You are a bit of a sucker. But I wouldn't expect any less from a Virgo. Well, gotta go wash Wanda's car. Karen: Emma called me a sucker? Brent: It's just I'm not learning anything from this kid. He doesn't know half of what I know. Oscar: Well, the important thing is that you left. Now pass me the hammer. Brent: I bet he couldn't play 80's rock as good as me. Oscar: Well too bad for him. Pass the hammer. Brent: Yeah, I should go over there and blow his doors off with some heavy thrash metal. Oscar: Less yammer, more hammer. Brent: And that is how we threw it down in the 80's my green, young friend. Toby: Right, but didn't most of those two-fingered power bands use a minor chord to the bridge? Like ah, like this. Brent: Sometimes they did. Lacey: Hey, I would really like Davis to clean my basement this week, so if you could put something in the horoscopes. Wanda: Oh, but I need him to do some painting at my house and I don't think he'll have time to do both. Lacey: Well, my basement really needs cleaning. Wanda: Well, these horoscopes really were my idea. It says Madam Wanza on their. It doesn't say Madam...Zacey. Lacey: Yeah. Ooo, wouldn't it be terrible if Davis found out who Madam Wanza really is? Wanda: I see, so it's extortion, is it? I never thought you'd stoop so low. I'm proud of you. Oscar: How long does it take to hand over one little hammer? Brent? OK, that's it. Oscar: Tell your kid to stop filling my kid's head with rock and roll dreams. Mr. Dillems: Who's your kid? Oscar: Brent. The big one, big head, this high, this wide, wears jeans. Mr. Dillems: Oh, the beginner? I always thought he was weird but now that I see his old man it all makes sense. Oscar: What's that supposed to mean? Mr. Dillems: It means you're a nut case and I don't want you or your weirdo son taking lessons from my kid. Oscar: Well, I wouldn't let my kid hang out with your jackass kid because your kid has a jackass for a father and comes from a long line of jackasses! Mr. Dillems: You can't insult my whole family like that! Oscar: Your whole jackass family! Karen: Oh, hey Emma. Where are you off to? Emma: Oh, I was just... Karen: Me, I'm off to the gym. Go work out with all the suckers. Emma: Yeah, there sure are a lot of them there. I was just telling Hank that. Karen: I know. I don't mean "I know there are suckers there"...I was trying to make a point. Emma: I wasn't talking about you. I meant those people who wear those stupid spandex get-ups and talk about reps and quads. That is you. Karen: And it's wicky microfibre not spandex, big difference. Emma: I didn't mean anything by it. Hank: Hey, Emma. You ready to pump some soil? I'm just gonna go inside and change into some spandex. Karen: See ya, sucker. Brent: We sell a lot of mushroom soup, you ever notice that? Wanda: Lacey's a back-stabbing hose bag, you ever notice that? Brent: I noticed the soup. Wanda: Well, two can play at this game and I've been playing it a lot longer than Miss Dirty Basement. You know what I mean? Brent: No clue. Wanda: Ah, you've got that right. I can handle her, don't you fret about that. Brent: Fret? What, is that some kind of dig at me? Wanda: If it was it wasn't a very good one. Brent: Fret, guitar fret, crappy guitarist, me. Why don't you hit me over the head with it? Wanda: Is this about that kid? Geez, you gotta relax. So what if he can play guitar? You're a grown man with a house, a car and your own business. He's just some dopey kid. Brent: I guess I never really put it in perspective. Brent: And I have a car and a house and my own business. Grown-up things. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to consume a beer, legally. Hank: One, two and three. Nice set Emma, nice set, that's good. You know, I think I'm gonna work on my gluts today. Is there anything you wanted to work on? Emma: Yeah, my beets. Oh, I can't seem to left this. Can you give me a hand? Hank: Spot me. This isn't that heavy. Emma: You can lift that on your own? Do you know what that means? Hank: I can uh, fertilize the garden? Emma: It means you've grown stronger than me. The student has surpassed the teacher. I'm filled with pride as you go off on your own. Away from me. Hank: I'm gonna go tell everybody back at the gym. Lacey: Hey, Davis. I noticed you didn't come by my house today. Davis: Why would I do that? Lacey: Well, my basement's still pretty dirty. Davis: Good to know. Lacey: Did you read your horoscope today? Davis: I sure did and it said to take on a painting project today. And check this out, these are my lucky numbers. Lacey: Did it say anything about Aries being double crossers? Davis: No. Nothing personal but you're really bad at small talk. Corky Dillems: Hey, Leroy! Oscar: Who the hell...Corky? Corky Dillems? Corky: I'm talking to my kid and he tells me that you called him and my whole family, a whole bunch of jackasses. Oscar: I, I, I, I, ha, ha, I didn't know that was your family, Corky. Corky: Or maybe you didn't think I'm as tough as I used to be? Oscar: Oh no, no, no, no, no. You've always been pretty tough. Young Corky: Young wanna die young, Leroy? Corky: You wanna die middle-aged, Leroy? Corky: You wanna die a senior, Leroy? Oscar: Yes, I mean eventually. But I, I think we're getting past the age where we settle things with fisticuffs. Corky: You think what you want, but you talk to my kid like that again and you'll find out what I think. Lacey: Davis. Davis, I need to talk to you. Davis: Not now, I'm on my way to mow Wanda's lawn. Lacey: Wanda's been writing those horoscopes to get you to do things for her. Davis: Unbelievable, how accurate these things are. Check it out, today it says "Today to not listen to conspiracy theories by pushy brunettes." Lacey: Wanda wrote that! Davis: I'm not listening to you. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Brent: Oh, come on. Wanda: Heard you had a chat with Davis. How'd that work out for you? Lacey: Like you don't know. Wanda: I don't know. Only Madam Wanza knows. Huh, I wonder what Madam Wanza will write tomorrow. I hope she doesn't say anything about not eating a local restaurants that start with "R" and end with "uby." Lacey: You don't have to do that. Wanda: It's not up to me. It's written in the stars, by me. Game, scorch and pow! Brent: Hey, come here. Lacey: What are you doing? Brent: I'll explain later. Hey, Toby. Toby: Hey. Brent: That was a pretty nice car you were driving earlier. Is that your Mom's? Toby: No, it's mine actually. Did most of the work on it myself. Brent: I could tell. Toby: This is my girlfriend, Sasha. Brent: Oh, this is Lacey. She's my special friend, right babe? Lacey: Babe? Brent: Oh, she doesn't like to be called "babe." Feminist. Sorry toots. OK, I can explain. Lacey: Well that would be good because my confusion and my rage are standing by. Brent: That's the guitar kid. Only it's not just the guitar anymore. He's got a nicer car than me, he's got a girlfriend. He keeps beating me at everything. Lacey: Your arch nemesis is a 16 year old? OK, my confusion and my rage have been replaced by an awkward sadness. Hank: Yep, I'm stronger than Emma and I'm stronger than Karen. And those are only two women that I'm stronger than. Brent: Well first of all, I doubt it and second of all, no you're not. Do you mind? I'm trying to work on some power chords. Hank: I got a couple power chords for you. Strum, swang! Oscar: You gotta lay off that guitar kid. His grandfather's Corky Dillems, the meanest SOB south of the north pole. If you don't patch it up with that kid, I'm gonna get pummelled! Brent: I'm not clear on my motivation. Hank: You know, Oscar, I find that if someone kicks sand in your face, you work out and then in a few weeks you punch him out in front of the girl that the guy who kicked sand in your face stole. You know what I'm saying? Oscar: No. Hank: That OK 'cause these do all the talking I need. Brent: That's all I got so far. Wanda: Hey, Davis. Checked your horoscope yet? Davis: No. Wanda: Well, when you do, the plunger's behind the toilet. Davis: I'm not really into horoscope's anymore since I got one of these. Wanda: Where did you get that? Davis: Lacey gave it to me. Lacey: Now we don't have to wait for horoscope to come out everyday we just make decision on the fly. Like um, should Davis read his horoscope today? Fat chance, Madam Wanza. Davis: Mine just says "no." Oscar: Hi fellas. Corky: Still trying to nail two boards together? Not much of a handyman are you, Leroy? Oscar: Guess not, heh, heh. Maybe I should just give up on this, go in the house. Hank: Hey, Oscar. Just dropped by to take out the trash. Oscar: I, I don't know this guy. Hank: Why don't you and the other Golden Girls hit the road before I decide to get rough? Corky: What's your problem? You wanna die young and skinny? Oscar: I'm with you, Corky. Get him. Hank: Oh, don't do that. You do not want to do that. Corky: Ha. Come on, fellas. Hank: Keep walking. Karen: I think they were scared off by someone else. Hank: Who, Emma? Emma: Still working on that fence? Not much of a handyman, are you? Hold these. Hank: There. You got this, you got this, it's all you. Brent: I know I've been a little weird and competitive... Toby: You were being competitive? I didn't notice. I did notice the weird thing. Brent: Well, I guess I was just a little insecure or something. I know I'm lucky to have the opportunity to learn something from someone as talented as you. Toby: Well, thanks. Sorry, we can't have a lesson right now though. My guitar's out of tune and my tuner's out of batteries. Brent: Well, just tune it manually. Toby: I don't know how. Brent: You don't know how to tune a guitar manually? It's the simplest thing in the world. I learned how to do that when I was ten. Toby: Yeah, well I can do lots of other stuff on the guitar. Brent: Fat lot of good it'll do you when you're out of tune. Toby: Hey, I can do triplets. Brent: Oops, sorry. Ha, ha, ha. Category:Transcripts